queenrikki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
queenrikki) wrote2006-08-28 07:43 pm
queenrikki) wrote2006-08-28 07:43 pm
Entry tags:
- anniversary,
- brooding,
- death,
- loco,
- mama
Long Time, No See...
It's been a little more than a week since I took my leave of reality and I've finally decided that it was time to come back. The leave taking wasn't actually intentional but the coming back is. Right now I'm sitting in a small dark room with only the monitor for illumination. I can't remember the last time that I bathed and my hair is sticking out in all direction (not an uncommon occurrence but it has a rather strong smell that's definitely not normal). And I am feeling a level of disgust with myself that I'm sure that I have never equalled. Not just at my lapse in hygiene but in the fact that I haven't done anything that could remotely be considered productive or normal in the entire time.
You see, August 27 marked the first anniversary of my mother's death. I've been feeling bad all month (even my birthday only briefly lifted me up). I've been feeling bitter and jealous everytime I see or hear anyone referring to their mothers and I've been crying at the drop of a hat. I just think, "Well at least you have a mother". And as ridiculous as it may sound (I am twenty-three after all) I just want my mommy. I am not by nature a sociable person. I find it difficult to make friends and, for the most part, I prefer my own company. My mother was one of the few people I knew in real life that I was able to to talk to. She listened to me talk about just about everything from my crush on Catherine Zeta-Jones to, well,Left Turn at Westchester and Harry Potter (my mom loved Harry Potter). She was honest enough to tell me that she expected a lot from me (more than from my sisters) and that she loved me but didn't always like me. Mostly though, she was someone who would listen and wouldn't judge. I really miss that especially when dealing with my grandmother. I love her, but the way she thinks is so limited (essentially God is good, gays are bad and I'm going to hell if I don't see things her way) that I have a hard time talking to her.
And so in the week leading up to yesterday, I simply stopped. I didn't go outside, I didn't go online (not really), I barely ate or left the aforementioned room. It was really quite sad. but I'm tired of being pitiable. I want to do something constructive again instead of just wasting my days away (I spent most of the time making list and micro organising things. I'm very good at that). There are some people that I have to apologise to for disappearing like that, but I'll do that later tonight.
I just had to get this off my chest.
You see, August 27 marked the first anniversary of my mother's death. I've been feeling bad all month (even my birthday only briefly lifted me up). I've been feeling bitter and jealous everytime I see or hear anyone referring to their mothers and I've been crying at the drop of a hat. I just think, "Well at least you have a mother". And as ridiculous as it may sound (I am twenty-three after all) I just want my mommy. I am not by nature a sociable person. I find it difficult to make friends and, for the most part, I prefer my own company. My mother was one of the few people I knew in real life that I was able to to talk to. She listened to me talk about just about everything from my crush on Catherine Zeta-Jones to, well,Left Turn at Westchester and Harry Potter (my mom loved Harry Potter). She was honest enough to tell me that she expected a lot from me (more than from my sisters) and that she loved me but didn't always like me. Mostly though, she was someone who would listen and wouldn't judge. I really miss that especially when dealing with my grandmother. I love her, but the way she thinks is so limited (essentially God is good, gays are bad and I'm going to hell if I don't see things her way) that I have a hard time talking to her.
And so in the week leading up to yesterday, I simply stopped. I didn't go outside, I didn't go online (not really), I barely ate or left the aforementioned room. It was really quite sad. but I'm tired of being pitiable. I want to do something constructive again instead of just wasting my days away (I spent most of the time making list and micro organising things. I'm very good at that). There are some people that I have to apologise to for disappearing like that, but I'll do that later tonight.
I just had to get this off my chest.
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