queenrikki: k (crackerhat)
  Sep. 26th, 2006 10:02 am
I sick and tired of being disengaged from my own life. I've been waiting for the general apathy I've been feeling to go away on it's own, so I've decided to force it to go away. The thing that made me realise this, strangely enough, was the fact that I had no idea about the VM thing. Now as I adore this show above all others, this makes me cranky. So, I've decided to make a list of things to do and follow it.

Listinessness )
queenrikki: k (cuterupertdriving)
  Feb. 15th, 2006 12:19 pm
I am, in general, an uncomfortable person. I don't feel comfortable around other people. I hate going to parties, I HATE being touched for almost any reason (though I don't mind touching others). I don't touch doors after I wash my hands. I react strongly to things that I see as being wrong (I have an downright physical aversion to looking at people with widely asymmetrical features, I like to organize things, I like to make list and catelogue things). If I'm visiting a messageboard I have to click on every topic even the ones I'm not interested in so that the it will be marked as having been read (when it doesn't recognize that I've clicked on a link, I have to click until it does, not matter how many times it takes-which frustrates me to no end because I have). I almost never know what I should do. I don't reach out to people, even when I want to. I sort of feel that if they get close they'll realize how utterly fucked up I am and not want to be around me. I'd rather not try at all than be rejected. I want friends. I want them so desperately sometimes that it hurts but I'd rather not put myself in a position to be rejected.

I've been sick, too. I have pneumonia, my blood pressure is elevated for some reason and I have trouble breathing, and well moving at the same time. I've been to the doctor, though I should go back because only some of my symptoms have faded.

The thing that I hate admiting the most is about my mother. I don't now, nor have I ever, felt any sympathy towards her with regards to her death and I feel awful about that. What kind of person doesn't feel sympathy for someone they've loved who is died a painful and debilitating death? But then I think, "she knew the risk". It's not like she didn't know that smoking caused lung cancer. It's not like she didn't know that her father died of lung cancer. It's not like she hadn't fucking said that she "had to die of something". She just wanted the stupid cigarette more than she wanted to live. She left me and there's no reason she should have. She never even tried to quit smoking. Not once. I think I hate her just a little bit for that.


queenrikki: k (Default)
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